Sunday, April 11, 2010

There is a darkness that follows me...

Sorry for the lack of posts lately.  I've had a few things going on that have had me trying to find answers within myself, a reason to continue, and a path to go forward on.

I can't help but feel that for the past year or so, I've had a dark shadow over me.  Maybe it existed before, in fact I'm sure it did, but within this time I've become aware of it's presence.

I believe that I've made decisions that were in form of self-sabotage, and I've found myself searching for the reason behind why I would make these decisions and not make healthy decisions.

I don't have answers yet, but I am working on healing myself.  I'm working on healing my heart.  I'm working on releasing harbored hatred and anger. My own personal form of Misanthropy. I don't always have a hatred as defined in the Wikipedia definition, but my trust for anyone has gone down greatly, especially over the past year or so... here was an interesting post I stumbled across on the subject of living introverted. I also can't help but feel that a big part of this stems from the discrimination and overall negative view that society gives to larger individuals (oh, but I'll save that rant for another post. LOL)

Lyrics assist me in letting loose feelings that I couldn't otherwise express.  Music is an excellent outlet for emotions and I'm looking forward to working on more in the near future.

Today while watching an episode of "The Sopranos" I saw the following quote;
"No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true."
~ Nathaniel Hawthorne 

This quote really hit home with me as I feel that for some period now I've been wearing multiple faces.  I've lived split lives not only between my professional career and my social interactions, but I've been living a dual life split by an international border.  I'm quite sure about this, in fact, I think if I took MBTI personality type tests I would need to take one for my personality at work and one for outside of work, because I'm much different in those two situations.

I'm at a crossroads with many decisions to ponder.  My goal is to take my time and meditate on the options, to make sure that I come to decisions clear of the darkness that seems to hover in close proximity. I'll ask for strength from God, and look within for guidance.

No comments: