Sunday, July 11, 2010

Lonely Little Me

Today has been an extra hard day dealing with this loneliness feeling that I've had with me for a bit now.  It's a hard feeling to describe, but I can see what I'm missing when hanging out with friends and their family.  The part that I don't have is the easy access to, or immediate connection with family or friends where I reside; the daily interaction that others take for granted.

The contact I'm talking about is that separate from the one of making social plans with friends.  I have that interaction and enjoy it when it occurs.  Then when friends part from the social activity, they go back to people that are their day to day interactions, such as the people that they live with or their family or very close friends that are over quite a bit. 

Since moving into my own place in 2006, and likely partially due to losing my father the same year, I've noticed an increase in feeling lonely. Before this, I had many friends and roommates to interact with, I rarely felt lonely.

However, I'm at a point right now where many of my friends are now married, or in relationships.  I've stopped drinking and therefore don't fill the void by socializing at bars near as much as I used to.  Now my days are filled at my house, reading, or watching movies, alone.

I think about my family a lot.  If I was back in Windsor, it could almost be expected that someone would stop by on a Sunday to say "hi" or for a visit.  Sure - they would call first, but it's not like it's a far distance to travel, family was always close by... and visited often.

Now, it's not that way at all.  I've seen my Mom three times this year.  That saddens me greatly... I love my mother, she's been there for me my entire life and I've learned so much from the love and lessons that she has given me.  I have other friends and family that I haven't seen since my dad passed.  Yup - 4 years this month. 

It's like the border has put a barrier in the way that is makes the effort just to the side of not worth it.  It's a very weird phenomenon.  I could just as easily be in France, or London and the contact would be similar.

I think of the days when I was back in Windsor and how I saw some friends every day!  I didn't even live with them, they were just my best friends.

Loneliness is a weird thing.  I don't fear it, and there are times when I absolutely enjoy it.  Being alone and in the type of environment that I'm in can re-charge the soul.  My question then becomes, "what do I do when I'm re-charged?"

The answer up until now has been to head back to work.  I've fallen into a cycle of letting work stress me out, and then finding time to re-charge while at home.  Rinse. Repeat.  There is not much to my life outside of this cycle and I begin to wonder how much longer I will allow it to go on.

My goals are to live a happy life.  A life full of experiences.  It's hard to do this by yourself and sometimes it's much more rewarding to share those experiences with someone else.

So what is the point of this post?  Hell if I know - I just figured I'd babble on about things while trying to figure out how to deal with the feeling of being alone.

1 comment:

Nadon said...

As per usual - it just takes some time for me to ponder on an issue and I'll come up with my own resolve for it.

Quotes filled my head from readings over the past several months and it just took a bit of re-framing to get things in the correct perspective.

Onward, Upward.