Review: "The Will To Change" by Bell Hooks

I recently finished this book and although it wasn't exactly what I expected, I did enjoy the book nonetheless.  The book focuses on "love" and the ability for men to show emotion, express feelings and basically be in touch with their feminine masculinity.  It covers how rare this is in today's society.  The book was written in 2004 and is still accurate for today's times.  It talks a lot about feminism and how the movement back in the 60's / 70's got a bad rap from the women that used it as a "man hater" type of position.  In actuality the book says in it's opening, "Every female wants to be loved by a male. Every woman wants to love and be loved by the males in her life. Whether gay or straight, bisexual or celibate, she wants to feel the love of father, grandfather, unlce, brother or male friend. If she is heterosexual she wants the love of a male partner."

The book goes into great detail telling why the majority of males lack the ability to love in the way that their women would like them to love.  It describes the Male Patriarchy (and uses the word Patriarchy way too much in my humble opinion) as the main reason for the way things are today, the reason why boys are told at a young age not to cry or show emotion, and how this culture brings up children with the idea that the male of the species is in someway superior to the female.

I'll share with you a few quotes from pages I made note to return to after reading the book, these will sum up the highlights of what I learned or insights I enjoyed from this book.

"In an anti patriarchal culture males do not have to prove their value and worth. They know from birth that simply being gives them value, the right to be cherished and loved."

"Many anti patriarchal parents find that the alternative masculinities they support for their boy children are shattered not by grown-ups but by sexist male peers."

"Much of the anger boys express is itself a response to the demand that they now show any other emotions. Anger feels better than numbness because it often leads to more instrumental action."

From "The Heart of the Soul" by Gary Zukav and Linda Francis - "Anger prevents love and isolates the one who is angry. It is an attempt, often successful, to push away what is most longed for - companionship and understanding. It is a denial of the humanness of others, as well as a denial of your own humanness. Anger is the agony of believing that you are not capable of being understood and that you are not worth of being understood. It is a wall that separates you from others as effectively as if it were concrete, thick, and very high. There is no way through it, under it, or over it."

"Usually this moment comes in adolescence, when many caring and affectionate mothers stop giving their sons emotional nurturance for fear that it will emasculate them. Unable to cope with the loss of emotional connection, boys internalize the pain and mask it with indifference or rage. Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they choose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them."

"Most folks believe we are hard-wired biologically to long for sex but they do not believe that we are hard-wired to long for love. Almost everyone believes that we can have sex without love; most folks do not believe that a couple can have love in a relationship if there is no sex."

In reference to the movie "American Beauty" - "They echo the patriarchal message that if a man stops work, he loses his reason for living."

From "Love and Survival" by Dean Ornish - "I am learning that the key to our survival is love. When we love someone and feel loved by them, somehow along the way our suffering subsides, our deepest wounds begin healing, our hearts start to feel safe enough to be vulnerable and to open a little wider. We begin experiencing our own emotions and the feelings of those around us."

Old standards of male sex role versus new masculinity discussed and organized in good fashion on this site that I was able to locate with the help of the Goog.

"To heal, men must learn to feel again. They must learn to break the silence, to speak the pain. Often men, to speak the pain, first turn to the women in their lives and are refused a hearing. In many ways women have bought into the patriarchal masculine mystique. Asked to witness a male expressing feelings, to listen to those feelings and respond, they may simply turn away."

"Integrity is needed for healthy self-esteem. Most males have low self-esteem because they are constantly lying and dissimulating (taking on false appearances) in order to perform the male sexist role."

"The love women are looking for in a relationship with men is one based on mutuality in partnership. Mutuality is different from equality."

Overall a good read and it lead me to some other works by Nathaniel Brandon and Terrance Real, among others listed above...

Define "Busy"

I've been as busy as a bee... a really busy bee... a bee that is working two or three hives at a time!  OK - maybe not that busy, but I've been keeping myself occupied per usual.

I finished off the following books this week.
















Both were good books, however I really enjoyed "Influence".  So much so that I'll save a special blog post for it!  As for "If You Want To Write", what I received from the book was it's simple message that "Everybody is talented, original and has something important to say" and that we should write if we want to write.  We should write from our perspective and be sure that we're putting ourselves into our writing, and if we do we'll end up with something that will be interesting and unique and readers will enjoy.  We should also not focus on writing as a way to make it rich... there is much more worth to be gained by simply expressing ourselves to others and if we're lucky enough someone will read it and be inspired or entertained. Heck - this blog is a perfect example of that.  In case you hadn't realized it yet, I write for me.  I'm sorry if this rubs you the wrong way or if you take offense to the statement, but at this time, I use my blog as a tool to capture my thoughts on a wide variety of topics.  Where I can, I like to sprinkle in a tip or two that I've learned, but in the end the "value" of this blog is what I get from writing. it.  That's not to say that I don't secretly hope that others are enjoying something in my posts... but it's not my main goal.

I've started several other books that I have picked up at the library over the last week or so...































Along with this I've been working on designing a logo for a friend's business, working on my own brand for "thinkNadon" and preparing to launch the new website.

As if that wasn't enough, I've also been working on a finishing up a couple t-shirt designs and a new ball cap design.

In between all of the noise I work a minimum of forty hours a week and fit in social time whenever possible.

busy [biz-ee]
–adjective -
actively and attentively engaged in work or a pastime.

Yup... that's me.

Latest Reading

I picked these up from the library this week.  Hoping to start them this weekend.  Most of the interest in these stems from the recent investigation into Masculine Psychology.

Genetics, Attraction and Natural Selection

For those following my reading list lately you'll know that I've been on a genetics kick lately.  I've also been enjoying what I'll refer to as "The Study of Why" lately. The original questions started for me last year and each topic that I've learned more about has usually peaked my interest in another area, which leads to more reading and more questions.  I'll start by saying I should have called this post "random things I've been thinking about lately", but that did not have the same ring to it.

Last year I started investigating a few of the pickup artist titles like David DeAngelo who says that "Attraction Is Not A Choice" and that there are certain things men and women are hard-wired to react to, and if you learn these things you can tip the scales in your favor.  He's not the only one that says this, in fact most of the male focused dating books, guides, websites etc, out there say something very similar.  I will give David D some props though, because his course material really focuses on bringing all of the areas that he's studied to put backing behind his words, and he mentions them in his courses. One of his selling points is that he's done the hard work for you and read a bunch of books so that you now won't need to take the time needed to read them. Therefore you can take what he's saying for the truth, or better yet, investigate further and draw your own conclusions based on what you find. Being a curious cat... I chose the latter.

It was David D that mentioned Matt Ridley's "The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature" which turned out to be a great book!  I'm so happy that I took the time to read this book because it led me to want to learn more about genetics and led me to Bruce Lipton's "The Biology of Belief". More about this great book in a bit but first let me dart off in another direction for just a second.  It's just a quick rant, stay with me...

As I was surfing yesterday I seen an ad claiming something similar to David D's "Attraction Is Not A Choice" statement and I had to do a bit more digging to find out if they backed up their "training" with as much research as David D seems to do.  Long story short, no they didn't.

This really frustrated me because I know that there are a lot of people buying these e-books and DVD's hoping that they'll learn the "secret" to attract a woman or get a date and they're just being served up information that they could have found elsewhere if they looked and without the need to pay for it.  This, of course, had me questioning "Well, what's the big deal?  This is what everyone does to make a buck, this is what the whole commercial industry / capitalism is based on - convincing people that you have what they need and for a small price you'll give it to them."

I guess there is nothing *wrong* with this, I just think it's important to note that for any program out there in the self-help category it's very unlikely that the concepts you're paying for are new ideas.  If you take the time and do the research you'll be able to find all the same information and perhaps even more thorough information on the topic. Start at your local library...  :)

Ok - back to the program and point of this blog post.  Based on the reading I've been doing on the first topic in the post subject, Genetics, I'm finding that - yes, we are passed on traits at conception from our parents, but these traits are just that - portions of our parents genetic make up, fused together to create our own unique genetic footprint.  Genes can't think for themselves, they can't make you do things, and environmental influences like things you learn and choices you make will have a far greater impact on your physical appearance.

Sure, we may end up with "our daddy's chin" or "our mommy's eyes", but just because your father is thin, doesn't mean that you will be thin.  I don't believe that we get only the best genes from our parents, although it is fact that we get an equal part from each parent, and they got an equal part from each ot their parents. And with scientific advances through the years we can tap into our DNA to find out / prove our genealogical lines.

This leads me to believe that our genetic make up may play a role in a small portion of our physical appearance, but I don't think it will be tied at all to what we find attractive.  I'm still researching information to prove / disprove this statement.

If our genes don't hold the key to why we find some people attractive and others less attractive, what does?  Are the extrenal environmental influences the things that give us the understanding of physical beauty?  Is it those Victoria Secret and Calvin Klein ads that are influencing our determination of beauty?  Perhaps it's all the commercials that tell us that we're not perfect and need to work on ourselves to be better?  All of those external resources adjust our own body image, the picture we have in our own mind of ourselves and what we like and dislike about ourselves. If the key for understanding beauty lies in the mind, it's a learned concept, this means that it can be modified / adjusted, which makes sense.

The analysis of beauty is not something new, there are many others that have looked deeper.  Although there are some new ways that science looks at it based on what has been referred to by society as beautiful, such as facial analysis like this one.  I scored a 5.75 out of 10.  I'm looking for a good source to start researching overall beauty analysis more for myself, so if you know of any - please leave a comment and let me know.

"The Red Queen" was a great source for telling more about what men look for and what women look for in a potential mate and contrasted the human species rituals against other animals.  It really is an interesting read and I do understand there is more to attraction than just physical beauty.  Most of the pick up artist material focuses on the other things that women find attractive such as wealth, status, personality and protective qualities.

Now I find myself wondering about Natural Selection and how natural it really is...?

Natural Selection basically says that only the best genes will survive and procreate and that will evolve our species in a good way.  I don't know about this - I have to believe that there are plenty of great people out there with fantastic genes that don't procreate.  It has me wondering if procreation is the only thing that passes along your influence on this world or is it any type of creation? Beethoven didn't leave a parental legacy, although he was not the only son in his family, does this really mean that he was a victim of natural selection? Are those the type of genes that we want to weed out? I can't believe that - and that is the reason I need to learn more about natural selection.  Again - if you have any good sources, let me know. The movie "Idiocracy" has a funny look at natural selection gone bad. 

I am also researching and understanding the power of belief and how truly believing something can make it a reality, even in situations when science says that it shouldn't be real.  In "Biology of Belief" various situations are offered up as proof of this... from a simple concept to understand like firewalking, where people walk across a bed of lit coals, some of them getting burned and some not.  Those that believed that they would be ok and not be burned, come through unscathed, even though science says that this should not be possible.  Another more complex example might be found in the use of sugar pills to treat a variety of illnesses which worked just as the regular medicine did when the patient was lead to believe that they were ingesting the medicine needed and that it would work.  A third more powerful example may be the scenario where three patients who believe that they need knee surgery, have a procedure done, but one of them is just opened up and no actual corrective surgery action were performed.  All three patients recovered in similar manners.  The one that had no real surgical work done walked with a cane before the surgery and went back to performing normal life activities including physical activities they enjoyed before the injury.  Can the mind and ones beliefs be this powerful?  Yes - I'm believing they can. In fact, many, many books I've read this year include the concept that truly believing something is the first step to achieving it.  The trick is that you can't fool your subconscious... so we may need to start there if we want to truly believe. I'm completely fascinated by this area of science and as of late (2000 and later) there have been some great advancements to prove theories and I will be digging deeper into this in the future.

Let me try to tie what I've rambled about above together in some way.  At this point, I believe that genes may control some aspect of our physical appearance, but I'm not clear on how much versus how much is controlled by external sources as we live our life.  Physical appearance is one of many things that may attract someone to someone else, but what is beautiful and how much do social pressures play into our decisions on who we end up as a potential mate?  Lastly, if there are good genes out there from good people that don't pass them along, is that truly due to natural selection?  Is natural selection truly based on the best/strongest survive or do the folks that survive evolve not only through genetics but through what has been left behind by all of humanity?

I know, I know ... I'm a wild man...but lately, these are the things that have been on my mind.  I'd love to hear your thoughts.  Leave a comment, recommend a book or video... or just tell me to "simma down na!"

Today's Library Grabs - Creative Process, Money Making, Music, and Economic Philosophy

I stopped by the library today to drop off a couple titles and pick up some books that I had on hold.  These are my latest additions to the "reading list".

"A Visit from the Goon Squad" is one of those picks that I just thought I would enjoy since the story is about an "aging former punk rocker and record executive, and Sasha, the passionate, troubled young woman he employs." set in the 70's San Fransisco music scene.











"If You Want To Write" takes a look at writing and the creative process.  This book was originally published in 1938, and I really enjoy finding these classic books and taking a glance back at the past to see how much, if any, things have changed in the present day.










Believe it or not, Trump's books have been on the list of books that I've really enjoyed.  Years ago I read his "Art of the Deal" and loved the book.  Even if you don't care for his personality or tactics, it's hard to argue whether he's achieved a level of success most of us will only dream about.  He's also right up there with Gene Simmons in knowing how to market yourself and make money from your brand.  I picked this title up because I'm interested to see how he brings an idea to market and I'm hoping to learn a trick or two.







Yes - a second Trump book in the same trip!  This one focuses on wealth building and is an area that I could really use some help in.  I'm very intersted to see what "The Donald" has to say in this one and how it compares to other advice I've read.











`I'll admit that the title lead me to this book, I've been reading a lot of philosophical based titles lately.  This one will introduce me to the economic side of philosophy and ties several different modern thinker's ideas on the common subject of the search to understand how a capitalist society works.  The interesting thing about this book is it's a seventh revision by the same author that wrote the original book in 1953.  Each revision looking at the modern time and economic headlines and issues.  Although this revision is a bit dated, I'm still excited to read it.

Lost In The Books... But Really Feeling Enlightened

I have been reading a lot lately!  No really... I read when I first wake up in the morning, read while eating my lunch at work and read when I get home from work, right up until I go to sleep at night.  What has been keeping my attention you ask?

The first of the books is "The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature" by Matt Ridley.  This book was suggested by a friend and he had said that it would "blow my mind" and it basically has...  it's quite an interesting read and really sets out to answer the question "Why Sex?". Why is that the method that we use and why do we partake in this as a pastime more than mainly to procreate?  It's a really interesting book and it pulls from a ton of different research done by various scientists across all species in an effort to understand more about why we do what we do...
 

In the first part of the book he talks about genes and that the primary goal of the two sexes are to exploit each other to procreate.  He calls out studies that show that it's about gene survival and passing on to future generations.  He notes that sex is just our way of gene blending.  Each of our cells is made up of 150,000 genes (pairs of 75,000) spelled out on 23 ribbons of chromosomes.  At the point of conception, a man can choose to take all 75,000 from our mother or 75,000 from our father to pass along, but usually it's a mixture of the two and each sperm will contain that 75,000 genes to be passed along. The woman's egg will also contain 75,000 genes made up from what her parents passed on to her.  The two will come together to make a full 150,000 (pairs of 75,000).  Meaning that we have an equal amount of our parents genes and their parents genes that have been passed along to us.  There are many other things that will happen along the way, but it goes far too deep into what I want to get into here.  The interesting point to me was genetic make up of our cells, and how this may affect the characteristics that evolve through us as we grow. 

Enter the next book, "The Biology of Belief" where Bruce Lipton puts out the idea that cells and outer influences on them, including our positive or negative feelings can change the way they evolve and well... you've got yourself a couple of very interesting reads and a bunch of questions to research deeper to understand more about the inner workings of the human body, mind and spirit!

So these books and several others have been keeping my attention and have left me scratching my head a bit as well.  Both give some interesting insight on "love" that I'll have to follow up on, research and post my thoughts on as a follow up post to my "Is Love Real?" post.

I've been wishing that I had more time to post about some of the creative aspects of what's been going on in my life, but for now reading is taking up the majority of my time outside of work.  I'm ok with this though, as I feel like I've been learning so much about how people "work".  It's been great!

I've also picked up a couple books suggested by our CEO as good reads and I'm making my way through "The World Is Flat", but I must admit, reading this 3 years after it was written / updated is kind of like trying to teach someone how to draw after they graduated with their Masters in Art.   :)

On with the learning... bring on the books!

Mastery : The Keys To Success And Long-Term Fulfillment

I picked up a new book for this month.  The title of the book is the subject of this post.

This book was recommended reading from one of the courses I'm taking.  It's also been an interesting topic to me as I've always been one of those instant gratification type people and have rarely put the effort forth to achieve mastery in any specific area.

One of my goals is to learn to play guitar.  I've taken several lessons from several teachers, but I'm hoping that some of the lessons from this book may shed some light on what areas I'll need to focus on to really make progress.

As usual - once I'm done reading it, I'll post up a review.